Breathless
by silver-etoile
Summary: Sometimes Harry just can't take it.


A/N: Disclaimer:I solemly swear that I do not own Harry Potter. He belongs to J.K. Rowling

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I hate it.

I hate it all. Everyone thinks I am this perfect specimen sent to save the world, but they don't know me.

People in my classes love me one day when I win the quidditch match, but hate me the next when I act like a normal teenager and get into trouble.

Talk about a double standard. I can't be perfect all the time. It is physically and mentally impossible.

I was not built like that. I am not a machine. You can't point your finger at me and say "Do it!" and have it be done.

I don't want to live my life like this. I never did, but I couldn't choose.

Dumbledore just up and plucked me out of my boring existence, throwing me into this world where I was a God.

But I am only a God when I do things right.

People wouldn't give me a second glance but for that ugly scar on my forehead, that gash that ruined my life.

Why did he have to come after me? He had a choice, and he chose the wrong one.

I can't defeat him. And even if I do, I will die. I know I am going to die. It is an inevitable fact of my life.

Nothing has ever gone right in my life. No matter how good I think something will be, it always ends up biting me in the ass later on.

I don't know why my life is like this, but it is. It's too late to change it now. I never had the choice in the first place.

That madman just decides that he _needs_ to kill me.

Well, go ahead. It would be better than what I have now.

Yes, I get recognition. But only when it is undeserved or mistaken. I don't try to be a hero. It just happens.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear or start over. Go back to the beginning, erase my past, my present, my future.

But it's too late. I got here too late.

I just want to die sometimes, you know that? I do. When I go to sleep at night, I feel as if I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I'm not suicidal. I just don't want to go on.

How can I go on? What am I fighting for? So those blathering witches can beg me for my autograph everytime I turn a corner?

They don't care about me. Few people do. The rarity in finding an actual person who cares about _me _is stunning. Of the 6 years I have been in the wizarding world, only 2 have managed to break that barrier.

And even then, sometimes I'm not sure. There are things that they do and say that make me wonder.

Do they really care about me? Sometimes I think they are too wrapped up in their own lives to think about me.

Maybe that sounds self-centered, and maybe I am. But don't I deserve to be at least a little bit? If no one cares about me save for my fame, then shouldn't I at least care about myself?

Someday, I am going to get out of here. I am going to disappear. I am going to start over, somewhere far away, where no one knows my name.

I will cover this hideous scar, break my wand, and leave. Unless of course, I am already dead. In such a case, I will not have to worry.

I want to defeat Voldemort. He is the cause of all this. If it wasn't for him, I would be just like any other kid.

I wouldn't have to worry about dark lords, and saving the world. All I would have to think of would be, will I pass my N.E.W.T's?

But no. I am not allowed such simple thoughts. I must be burdened with the weight of the world.

I cannot carry it. I am not strong enough. If you add one more thing, I will drop it. And it will splinter into millions of shards and I will not pick up the pieces.

I can't stand this. Why did it have to be me? Why?

I don't want this. I don't need this. I can't take this.

No one understands. They try, some of them do, but none will succeed.

When I die in battle, they will not understand why their hero has fallen.

And if I succeed, they will not understand why I leave or where I go or what I do.

And I will not tell them.

Dumbledor used to tell me that I had a secret weapon. Love.

And my love for him, let him die. I don't think he understood that.

Love is a weakness.

I will never fall in love. Never. No one will break that barrier.

Everyone I love, dies. It is a solid fact. Nothing can change that. I cannot risk loving anyone.

Do I want love? Maybe. I cannot be sure because I have never experienced that true feeling.

If I ever find love, it will not be someone from now. It will be someone who knows nothing about me. I need a clean slate.

I need to start over. I _need_ air. I can't breathe.

It is suffocating. All of it. And no one can help me.

I am alone.

Alone in my own tiny world. There is no air, there is no space. It is only dark.

Black, pure and inescapable black. Nothing is visible through this veil of mine.

I cannot see the end or the beginning. I see nothing.

I am stuck. I cannot get out, I cannot get in. I can't move. I will never be able to.

There is nothing I can do. I must wait. Waiting is the single thing I am capable of.

But I am not capable. I am not able to wait. I want this over now.

I cannot stand my life any longer. I must do something. I have to change i something /i .

My life is drowning me. I want to find a life boat, but there are none.

I am floating in this world, waiting. I am waiting for it all to end.

It must end. It has to.

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A/N: Please review!


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